Everyone has asked me if I'm excited to move to San Francisco and my answer is always the same: I am, but I'm also a lot of other things. I'm anxious, I'm excited, I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm nervous--I'm a wreck basically. Like I've said in previous posts, I don't like to shed emotion to people around me--I hate vulnerability, so I apologize if I don't show how really crazed inside I truly feel. I'm so excited to go home to Seattle to see my friends and family and I'm excited to start a new chapter...but damn, it really sucks big donkey dick to have to leave the city and the people I have grown to love so much. How do you really get ready to say goodbye to a chapter of your life that has been absolutely life-changing? How do you rationalize parting with friends that are one-of-a-kind? How do you know if life-changing decisions are worth it--are right? This is what I struggle with. I've said this to so many before, but beyond simply being lonely and friendless in San Francisco, I'm afraid that the big jump to the other coast wasn't worth it, that the job is worthless, and that I am truly unhappy.
But I have all of my friends to thank for pulling me out of this uncharacteristic rut of self-depression. I have to thank all my friends for reassuring me that my time in San Francisco will be amazing, that I will have a new adventure to experience new things, and that if all else fails, I'm young and New York will always be there waiting for me. I have all of my friends and family to thank for being incredibly supportive and truly being there for me. I could not ask for better.
It is really strange to think that on Friday afternoon, I'll be landing at Sea-Tac International Airport with no real plans to go back to my second home. Even as I type this, it still doesn't feel like I'll be going.
I know this sounds really melodramatic, and I don't know how so many people do big moves and uproot themselves so much. It was hard enough for me to leave Seattle, and now I'm leaving New York? It really does break my heart a little to say goodbye so many times. Maybe I'm super sensitive, maybe I'm super-dramatic, but saying goodbye is never easy, at least for me.
But as many of you know, and as I may have mentioned previously, I am a strong believer in things happening for a reason, and as I think about it, the cosmic forces that may be, are pushing me to Cali for good reasons. I'm closer to home, I'll be closer to family, and I'll truly be foraying into a new life adventure. I have so much to be grateful for in my life, and no more so than the people in it who have helped me build an amazing, amazing, amazing 21+ years.
Walking to the subway station with Ece from Teresa's apartment, we talked about the quick passage of time. Four years in this city went by so quickly. Ece said she felt like she was a freshman just yesterday. I feel the same. I can still vividly recall moving into my crappy-ass room, the anxiety of getting perpetually lost, and the exhilaration of personal growth and independence.
NYU, New York, friends, family--you have no idea how fortunate I feel to have you sewn into the fabric of my life. You will not be forgotten and please know that despite the fact that I don't show it, I have true and sincere love and appreciation for you all. Sidewalks, buildings, bodies, and hearts--you are all amazing and have deeply and truly made me a better person. From a chubby, awkward and shy freshman to a self-assured, confident, optimistic and slightly less chubby alumnus, you have all had a part.
Please take this rinky-dink blog of which I did not intend to spill such thoughts and emotions as a thank you.
I don't really believe in "God" or consider myself religious, but I know that whatever forces that act upon me have been unbelievably fortuitous. I am blessed, I am lucky, I am happy. I don't know what I did to deserve such an amazing life.
Here's to today, here's to tomorrow and looking ahead.
Best,
P
William Fitzsimmons - So This Is Goodbye
No comments:
Post a Comment