But that sort of leads to the lesson, so let's go!
Lesson 10: Always try to put your life in perspective and don't be too hard on yourself.
The more I've thought about my future opportunities, I think I've been a little hard on myself. I mean, I'm only 22 and freaking out about my future like I have family to feed (well, I hope that when you read this, I did feed you well). But the fact of the matter is that I'm only 22 and the world--at least in my young and idealistic eyes--is my oyster.
This past Friday I was SUPER stressed out because I was unsure of what my future would be at my current job. I've been saying that I would leave after my six-month contract was over because I just don't feel fulfilled there, but this past week, I've gotten the chance to shadow a photographer whose really taken me under her wing and is willing to teach me a lot about shooting and editing, which I absolutely LOVE.
The problem was that my supervisor still wants me to keep writing more and more and more and more until probably my fingers fall off and I have to learn to make my penis prehensile enough to type. Her argument, despite being in this position for six months, is that I need more writing PRACTICE. Why is it called practice when I'm writing for live TV like the other writers? I'm not sure, but my supervisor has it in her head that my writing needs to improve and I shouldn't focus so much on shooting and editing. So when the said photographer approached my supervisor about bringing me out more, I could tell she wasn't too keen on the idea. Which really pissed me off--why stop me from learning not only a USEFUL skill, but one that I'm interested in developing.
So I spent the entire day mulling over what I should do and how I should approach the situation. Should I demand I stop writing and learn how to shoot and edit better (after all, my boss ALWAYS complains about not having enough editors and photogs) or just roll over and say "I quit, because all y'all suck ass."? It was hours of conversations with friends and family before I decided to approach my supervisor and tell her straight-up that I needed to discuss how I felt I was being treated.
And you know what? It was a much more productive conversation than I thought. My supervisor still wants to push me into the writing role (despite the fact I was hired as an associate producer), but she indirectly really put my life into perspective. We discussed how I wasn't really passionate about the field of local news anymore, about where my true passion lies. I told her I'd love to work on longer-format work and ideally in documentary, which I told her, I knew would be a life of unsure and unbalanced income, but it is where my heart lies.
She tried to dissuade me saying I wouldn't get a job with a production company that makes documentaries if I haven't already won awards for what I've shot and produced and that I could be just as happy at that current station shooting longer pieces for their investigative unit (a maximum of about a 4 minute piece...not "long-format" in my opinion). But I told her no. And I was honest. I told her that I'm young, and this is honestly not the field for me. I told her that she has to have noticed that I don't have a fire in my belly like most of the people there. Most of the people there have been there for years and are looking to stay there for many more. But for myself, I would rather get fisted once a day then stay there for 20 years.
Despite her back-handed compliments and eventual vagueness as to her plans for my promotion, she really was supportive of my plans to leave. She told me that if I didn't love it here, I can't change that and if I needed to spread my wings, I should. I was really surprised by that, but she said it well in that for some people, it takes exploration to figure out their perfect fit. She said she's always known she wanted to be in news, which I respect and admire. She also told me that she hopes I can be as bossy and as demanding as she is because "Asians are too meek." Why I would want that for myself, I don't know. I'm happy being laid-back and just once I wish she could see me outside the newsroom--your daddy can be a HOOT and not any of that Asian-meek-bullshit.
So anyways, in a roundabout way, the conversation really put things in perspective. I'm only 22, and have time to figure out my life. So what if I end up being jobless for a bit? Things will work out. It's a different time that doesn't quite match up with older people's mindframes. My supervisor for example probably thinks I'm dumb for wanting to pursue other opportunities when I have my foot in the door at such a huge market newsroom, but I think she also respects that I'm unhappy there. What we talked about really just got my own feelings out on the table and laid out in a way where I really had my answer: I may lose job security if I leave, but it will also open other doors. As long as you work hard, who's to say you won't succeed? At least you tried, right? Sure, you might get bent over and get totally hardcore stuffed without lube by the world, but that's just part of the journey.
My goal isn't to settle for a job that I'm unhappy with just because it's secure and gets me money. My goal isn't to be like the people I work with that worked their way up to becoming an EP of a local news station. My goal, at least for now, is to see what the world has in store for me and hopefully rise above the occasion and show everyone there that this "meek Asian" with "no passion" that they can all suck it and sit on a pin. Now where does my job journey currently stand with this station? Well, I got suckered into writing for a few more days this week, but I also got my supervisor to agree that I get editing and shooting lessons part time. So BLAM.
So there you go. I hope that when you come across this type of situation in your life, you won't be afraid to confront the person who is making your life different in a way you don't enjoy (unless it's me...then you just gotta deal) and that you're not afraid to talk to someone like me about it. If there's one thing that I've learned here is that being honest with yourself and others is not only extremely helpful in solving your problems but pretty therapeutic and cathartic. Things are never as bad as they seem to be...and if they are, just know you have the power to change it.
I hope that in whatever you are doing, you are being supported and not listening to all those naysayers. They can't make you do what they want you to do--I've learned that. You have to figure out what you want to make out of yourself and find a way to make that happen. You only have you to listen to.
With much love,
P
Chromeo - J'ai Claqué la Porte
