And Our Particles That Burn It All Because They Are For Each Other

So this is the end. It's 1:25AM on my very last day in New York City for who knows how long. In about six hours, I'll be in a shuttle van on my way to JFK. In about 9 hours, I'll be on a flight to Seattle. In about 16 hours, I'll be touching down at home. And yet, it still hasn't sunk in. It STILL feels like I'm going home for break and will be back in a few months.

In the past few days, I've had to say so many goodbyes and as I've repeatedly said before, it is honestly one of the hardest things I've had to do. I'm starting a new adventure soon, but I wish I could take the city and the people with me! But then I guess it wouldn't be all that new haha That's the exciting part, I suppose. Things are going to be so different and a part of me can't wait for it. There's also another part that is dreading it and wanting to stay in New York with the people who I have grown to love.

Of course, I'm also bat-shit excited to go home and see my family and friends, but in the back of my mind is that New York won't be on the radar for a while and that freaks me out. It's been four awesome years and I don't think I'm ready to let it go.

But, instead of having a pity-party for myself, I am just trying to ignore the sadness, and look on the bright side of things. My friends now have a new place to visit me in, I'm starting a new exciting career soon, and am going to experience incredible new things (or at least I hope I do!).

And I have so much to be grateful for. This city and everyone here have given me the opportunity to experience so many things that I'm sure I wouldn't have gotten to back home. I got to see lots of Broadway shows, meet the stars of my favorite TV shows, revel in the balls-out music scene the city provides, push myself into internship after internship, shoot a half-hour long documentary, and just all around have a blast! There is no city like New York City, and of that, I am sure.

It's been a wild ride. There have been times when I felt like I didn't belong here. There have been times when I felt at home. But no matter the feeling, I somehow always fell deeper in love with it. New York is my second home and I'm already homesick.

Four years. Four effing years have gone by so freaking fast. There are things I would've done differently and there are things that I wanted to do, but never did. But I don't believe in regrets, and I wouldn't have gone through these four years any differently. I worked my ass off, had a butt-load of fun, and met the most diverse, extremely talented, and all around awesome people.

I am so excited for myself and all of you for what is to come. Friends, family, the world is ours to explore and conquer. I know we'll all do great. Four years together, I know you all, and I know we'll all do amazingly. This goes for those in Seattle and New York. We're the bomb.com and there is no doubt in my mind that I have met the future pioneers of great things to come in our society.

On a closing note for this last entry (I know this entry is long and ramble-y, but I'm tired and have been packing all day), I want to leave you with a text message that one of my best friends David sent me after telling him I was an emotional wreck today. I hope he doesn't mind.

"That was really thoughtful of him! (I had just sent a picture of Obama riding through the streets after seeing Sister Act on Broadway) Patrick, I am so proud of you for following your heart and venturing to New York after high school. you have had magical, meaningful experiences greater than I can imagine. I am sure you will miss it a lot, but you are on the cusp of embarking on a journey, different and probably even greater than New York. I am excited for you to implement the skills you've cultivated for the past four years and effect positive change in the world we live in.

Allah knows there's a lot to be done. It is all right to be sad, but do not be too sad. You are going to blaze a bright trail ahead.

I know that I and everyone else here are ecstatic for your return."

I've know David since elementary school and although we didn't become really good friends until middle school, David has been a source of inspiration and undying support. This text literally brought tears to my eyes. And David is right. It's all good to be sad, but don't let it ruin your exit. You never know what tomorrow holds.

So here it is. It's the end of a chapter. But I'm ready. I'm at peace. And like my dad always says "if you put your mind to it, there's nothing you can't do." So here's a promise: I'll be back, New York. You'll see me someday again.

It's been real. It's been lovely and thank you again for the best years of my life. From early morning runs, to hours of Palladium brunch, to hellish internships, to awkward encounters in bars and fairs, to random roaming of the city, and to late nights of Sequence with best friends, the memories of this city are unforgettable.

New York, New York...

Much love,

Patrick

Florence + the Machine - Strangeness & Charm

And I'll Miss You Like You're Dead

Remember when I said that my leaving hasn't sunk in yet? Well, it still hasn't. Thank you to Teresa for a great going-away party for Sarah and me. I had such a wonderful time; it felt just like one of our regular get-togethers of great food (your crack brownies, Alyssa--you get me every time!), games of the drinking and non-drinking variety, and just amazing company with amazing people. It made me really realize how important all my friends and family are in my life and how everyone in my life has enriched everyday so much.

Everyone has asked me if I'm excited to move to San Francisco and my answer is always the same: I am, but I'm also a lot of other things. I'm anxious, I'm excited, I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm nervous--I'm a wreck basically. Like I've said in previous posts, I don't like to shed emotion to people around me--I hate vulnerability, so I apologize if I don't show how really crazed inside I truly feel. I'm so excited to go home to Seattle to see my friends and family and I'm excited to start a new chapter...but damn, it really sucks big donkey dick to have to leave the city and the people I have grown to love so much. How do you really get ready to say goodbye to a chapter of your life that has been absolutely life-changing? How do you rationalize parting with friends that are one-of-a-kind? How do you know if life-changing decisions are worth it--are right? This is what I struggle with. I've said this to so many before, but beyond simply being lonely and friendless in San Francisco, I'm afraid that the big jump to the other coast wasn't worth it, that the job is worthless, and that I am truly unhappy.

But I have all of my friends to thank for pulling me out of this uncharacteristic rut of self-depression. I have to thank all my friends for reassuring me that my time in San Francisco will be amazing, that I will have a new adventure to experience new things, and that if all else fails, I'm young and New York will always be there waiting for me. I have all of my friends and family to thank for being incredibly supportive and truly being there for me. I could not ask for better.

It is really strange to think that on Friday afternoon, I'll be landing at Sea-Tac International Airport with no real plans to go back to my second home. Even as I type this, it still doesn't feel like I'll be going.

I know this sounds really melodramatic, and I don't know how so many people do big moves and uproot themselves so much. It was hard enough for me to leave Seattle, and now I'm leaving New York? It really does break my heart a little to say goodbye so many times. Maybe I'm super sensitive, maybe I'm super-dramatic, but saying goodbye is never easy, at least for me.

But as many of you know, and as I may have mentioned previously, I am a strong believer in things happening for a reason, and as I think about it, the cosmic forces that may be, are pushing me to Cali for good reasons. I'm closer to home, I'll be closer to family, and I'll truly be foraying into a new life adventure. I have so much to be grateful for in my life, and no more so than the people in it who have helped me build an amazing, amazing, amazing 21+ years.

Walking to the subway station with Ece from Teresa's apartment, we talked about the quick passage of time. Four years in this city went by so quickly. Ece said she felt like she was a freshman just yesterday. I feel the same. I can still vividly recall moving into my crappy-ass room, the anxiety of getting perpetually lost, and the exhilaration of personal growth and independence.

NYU, New York, friends, family--you have no idea how fortunate I feel to have you sewn into the fabric of my life. You will not be forgotten and please know that despite the fact that I don't show it, I have true and sincere love and appreciation for you all. Sidewalks, buildings, bodies, and hearts--you are all amazing and have deeply and truly made me a better person. From a chubby, awkward and shy freshman to a self-assured, confident, optimistic and slightly less chubby alumnus, you have all had a part.

Please take this rinky-dink blog of which I did not intend to spill such thoughts and emotions as a thank you.

I don't really believe in "God" or consider myself religious, but I know that whatever forces that act upon me have been unbelievably fortuitous. I am blessed, I am lucky, I am happy. I don't know what I did to deserve such an amazing life.

Here's to today, here's to tomorrow and looking ahead.

Best,

P

William Fitzsimmons - So This Is Goodbye

I Will Love You Like This Now

So it's 1:26AM and I'm blogging. I am effing tired, but I realized that I haven't blogged in about four months, despite blogging more being a resolution of mine. Thanks a lot everyone, for keeping me on track. Some friends you are.

Anyways, I was inspired to blog because I had to say my first couple REAL goodbyes today. I said my first goodbye to an ex-boss-turned-mentor/friend at one of my internships who I've known for the past couple of years now. Wait, hold up, before I go on, you should know that if you are reading this and don't know why I'm saying goodbyes, you should know that I am moving to San Francisco in July for a job. Now back to the goodbyes. I had a great lunch at Basta Pasta, a restaurant that confused me from the get-go because it's an Italian restaurant but EVERY PERSON that works there is Japanese (Japtalian? Itapanese?) We had a great meal and talked about future plans and San Francisco because said boss used to live there. He assured me I would love San Fran, so let's hope he's right.

I said my second goodbye in Jersey to my amazingly sweet, funny, and weird friend Heidi at her and her sister's graduation party. This is my third party at the Heidi household and it never disappoints. Let me tell you, Heidi's mom makes these balls that I could keep in my mouth forever. Can't get enough of Heidi's mom's balls. I'm drooling just thinking about it. Oh, and Heidi's friend brought over jizz-in-your-pants worthy chocolate chip cookies. Oh my. The stains are never going to come out. And Heidi's peanut butter ice-cream pie. Don't even get me started! It's like Heidi's pie jumped in my mouth and said "shh, don't worry, I'll take care of everything" and rocked the hell out of my world. Heidi's pie...that sounds weird.

Anyways, as me and the rest of my from-NY party-goers rushed to get to the bus station for a bus back to Manhattan, I gave Heidi a quick hug and goodbye and it hit me: I'm leaving in a week and I have to say goodbye!

I don't think it's really sunk in that I'm leaving. I really don't. A few weeks ago when I got the job offer in San Fran I was excited as all get-out and the 24th of June seemed so far away, and now, it's less than a week away. I have to say goodbye to the amazing friends I've made, to the city that has fostered an immense growth and maturation in me, and to the best four years of my life. And even as I write this, I still don't feel like I'm leaving. I'm not sure when it will it-- when it will hit that this will be the last time I see my old boss and see Heidi for a while. When I got this job offer, I was so excited, now it's just bittersweet.

For those who know me, I think people will agree that I try to have an optimistic outlook on life, and I'm definitely trying to keep it going. I'm treating leaving NY and moving to SF as a new adventure. I had four years to grow up and experience one of the most exciting and awesome places in the world, and who knows? SF might even be better.

But right now, it's hard not only for me to believe that when I get on that westward-bound plane next Friday that I won't be coming back to my home for the last four years anytime soon, but also that I have to leave the fantastic people I've become close to. I feel like I did when I left home for NYU and for those of you who saw me the night I got on my flight from Seattle, you saw how much I cried. I'm not going to front and say that I'm a manly-man and don't cry, because I do. I cry. I cry a lot. I'm sure when the time comes, tears will fall. I have a hard time wanting to show my emotions and getting emotionally intimate with people, so when I cry, you know shit is going down. I know people go through this ALL the time, but that doesn't mean it isn't hard.

Anyways, I feel like I'm ranting right now, but I guess I just want to say a few more things: don't take the people in your lives for granted, because as I've learned, you never know when they will not be in your lives (at least for a while); savor your home, wherever it is, because every home has something to offer and like your friends, you never know when you will leave it; and to resolve to keep your friends and home in your lives no matter where you are. I have two homes, soon to be three with friends and friends-to-be-made.

I didn't mean to get sentimental on all your asses and I'm sorry if this made absolutely no sense. I'm tired as balls and feeling a little blue, a little excited, a little anxious, and a little horny. I guess I mostly just wanna say, like Jim from the Office did when Michael left: "Sometimes, goodbyes are a bitch."

-P

*Thao Nguyen with the Get Down Stay Down - Cool Yourself (As heard in American Teacher by Vanessa Roth--watch it when it comes out!)